


Your Past in His Eyes

by glittergrenade



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ...and now I feel so bad lolol, Angst, Gen, I only learned that word after writing this story, Lucifer is a Very Very Very Bad Dude, Poor Nick, Poor Sam, Sam Being Strong, Sam Tries To Comfort Nick, Selfless Sam Winchester, implied rape, implied vore, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-23 01:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittergrenade/pseuds/glittergrenade
Summary: There are horrible, twisted, evil things which Lucifer remembers fondly about his time with Sam... unfortunately for Sam, Nick knows these too.





	Your Past in His Eyes

Sam sat gingerly on the bed, not wanting to be intrusive, but not wanting to be neglectful, either. Luci— _Nick_ — hadn't responded to his initial greeting, so he was kind of tied up over having entered of his own volition. He could only hope it was alright. He did feel weird. But he knew what it was to be possessed by Lucifer, to hand him your life for years without truly knowing the horrors you were opening yourself up to, if even to a lesser extent. And now, Nick had no one left. Nothing. He'd been used, this way and that, for nine years, by a cruel force that could only ever pretend to care; he wasn't even the 'true' vessel. It hadn't been meant to be this way. Sam always had Dean. He was lucky. Nick wasn't. "Hey," he tried again quietly, patiently.

"Hey Sam," Nick responded, after a pause, and a cold shiver ran through Sam. He hadn't expected him to reply yet, that was all. After all, that voice _wasn't_ Lucifer's (remember this). Just that of yet another warm body cast aside by another self-absorbed archangel. One in the long list of the Devil's victims. Sam wasn't sure what happened to angels after they died, but he hoped it was some sort of justice. His heart was beating quickly. He preferred not to think about it.

"How's your wound?" Sam ventured, stealing a glance. Nick wasn't looking at him, and he didn't want to push the poor guy. Only that silhouette of short, disheveled hair was clearly visible, seeming to glow in the dim nightlight (or was that hellfire).

"Okay," Nick said quietly. At last he glanced at Sam. Those dim blue eyes, that should have the power to break him, were almost obscenely innocent. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, of course not being privy to Sam's thoughts.

"For what?" said Sam. "Nick, I know you're the victim in all this…"

"I let him in," Nick supplied, easily; unnecessarily, but obviously. Sam understood. "In a dream. But I still did it, and it still caused you a lot of trouble."

"Hey, I was possessed by an angel for months without knowing it," Sam thought of Gadreel, of _killing_ Kevin, as he tried to soothe the man.

"I knew. And I let him in. That makes what he did… my responsibility. I can't express how sorry I feel, especially to you, Sam. I know… in hell he liked to use my face."

Sam jumped, startled to his feet on thought alone. His breaths caught and adrenaline rushed in his ears. How… Nick hadn't been in the cage. How…?

"His memories… what I have of them, anyway, the moments I was conscious… they're still in my head. He used to think about you a lot when you were gone. The thoughts satisfied him so much. The things he did to you. Horrible things. I'm so sorry." His voice was exhausted, but Nick looked at him with those teary, disconcerting eyes, as Sam's body shook with horror.

_The guy was obsessed with you, Sammy. But who can blame him? Such pretty memories to get him off at night._ Sam jumped, his eyes jerking back to Nick. He hadn't said anything. Oh god, he was under so much stress. He was so tired. Oh god.

"Don't." Sam's voice was more disjointed than he planned. Even talking about this… it wasn't what he'd had in mind. Helping wasn't supposed to hurt this much (as he struggled not to retch in front of Nick). So of course Nick knew the messed up things Lucifer had done to him when they were in the cage. Of course, even Nick who had mostly lurked in the back of his own mind from what Sam could tell, had been subject to whatever gross _now-confirmed_ fantasies of Lucifer doing it to Sam again… it was all he could do not to sink into the floor. He felt violated by Nick's very awareness, like he was naked, even though he knew it wasn't the guy's fault. Lucifer was sick and deranged (and Sam was in desperate need of a shower). And the aftermath of that eternity shared in the cage… maybe it had affected him too. Sam knew it was his imagination but he _felt_ as if Nick's eyes lingered on his body, even as the former satanic vessel looked away. A moral obligation ringing in his conscience told him he should say something, anything, to try to comfort the man, but he couldn't. "Don't," was all that came out again, his voice cracked. He brought his knees up in front of him, balancing on the edge of the bed, head downwards in the dark as he tried to keep it together. This was just… too much.

"I'm sorry," Nick said, as if those words were becoming a mantra. And it sounded insincere, but Sam knew that was only because of what he was used to from Lucifer. He remembered laying on sheets of ice while the archangel held him from behind, fawning, petting him, breathing demeaning whispers against his ear about permitting Sam to 'goad' him in such unique fashions. (But Sam had done nothing. He never could, anymore.) And the more he tried to distance his thoughts from Lucifer's taunting disregard for personal space, the harder it became, because he was really only a soul, whist his body, maybe, rotted somewhere unknown (walked around being a murderer). And yet, he'd only really broken when he'd begun to believe Lucifer's sappy ' _sorry_ 's.

Sam gathered his breath. "It wasn't you. Just…" he paused. He wanted to order Nick not to think about it, not to think on the memories of Lucifer humiliating Sam, but he knew he couldn't. Nick probably hated those memories too. Probably. The very concept of this relative stranger _knowing_ the most detestable things that had been done to him was shattering. Even Dean didn't know. He couldn't linger on it too much if he wanted to remain in any shape to go back out again, _for Dean_. He felt an all-too-familiar hand then on his shoulder and jumped, pulling away with feelings of horror and disgust (terrified of being touched by him again). A second later he was looking down though into the crushed guilt-ridden eyes of an ex-vessel who'd already been through enough suffering.

Sam sat down again, the guilt seeming to bounce off the space between them. This was useless. Lucifer shouldn't be allowed to make them both feel like this, not when he was finally dead. They deserved to be free. _Or else he still kind of wins, doesn't he?_ He took a very deep breath. "I'm not mad. I'm just… a little jumpy. I'm sure it'll wear off. I mean, he didn't always wear your face when we were in Hell…" Nick nodded plainly, and Sam's heart seemed to plummet to his stomach with the shock that he should be used to dealing with. Of course Nick knew. How often had Lucifer thought about Sam, in those cold nights back in the cage, or alone in Crowley's dungeon? He supposed one might feel honored to take up so much of the Devil's inner thoughts. Sam just wanted to hurl (he wanted to cry). Nick looked like he was going to make a move; but terrified of being touched again, Sam scrambled for a new topic. "How's Adam been?"

Wait. He had said that. Aloud. Had he really asked how Adam was doing? Clearly he wasn't thinking. And he didn't need that dim look of confusion that passed across Lucifer( _Nick_ )'s face. He didn't need to feel this way. "Lucifer only returned to my body after having departed Castiel's… and he didn't really think about your younger brother in the days after. I wish I could tell you, but I don't know."

"Of course." He looked to the side briefly, now a whole other well of guilt threatening to crush him. He'd spent more time with Adam than he had with Dean. Different time, certainly. And not as a child. But Adam had been his only ally for two hundred years in the Cage. And now… Lucifer hadn't even thought about him. "Hey, uh, can I get you anything? Are you hungry?"

"Thanks. Yeah, I could eat," Nick responded gratefully, and Sam forced himself to take another breath at the horrible similarity of that innocent acceptance. He remembered Lucifer mounting him, slowly eating his flesh. Had that been real? Lucifer had certainly made it feel real. Blood had dripped freely down the Devil's chin, organs oozing between his teeth, and he'd licked his meal and with a forked tongue. His slow movements had tried to make it sensual but all Sam could remember was the agonizing pain until he couldn't feel the shame anymore. He'd consumed enough that had Sam been alive he would have long passed out from blood loss, and healed him to do it again. Lucifer was kind of a freak… at least that was what he'd told Sam, laughing, as he'd proceeded to string him up on meat hooks.

"Sam?"

He was broken out of the memory by Nick's worried voice. Heart pounding, tears threatening to break out from his trained expression, Sam looked sideways back to him. "Sorry. I'll see what we have in the fridge. You just try and rest. Then I'll look at your wound if that's okay?" Without waiting for an answer, he shuffled out the door. He knew he was rude for doing it, or like a really bad person — surely, Nick was going through a far rougher time than he — but he _needed_ a moment, to pull himself together, to remind himself who the victims were here (to bury his face in his hands). And, Nick needed food.

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This takes place earlier on in this season, back when Sam was still looking out for Nick, ahaha.
> 
> (@ the recenter episode, though? I do think Sam was lying. He really did feel for Nick. He was just trying to be what Dean wanted. He didn't have the proper gravitas type thing he'd have if he actually didn't care about Nick anymore.)


End file.
